I am having a very bad day.
Consumed in feelings of jealously and rage. Wondering how the hell I ever got to this place and how I am not on the same page.
Twelve years ago drinking and having fun with my friends, no one owned houses then and I forgot it would all end.
But I remember now. I feel the etchings burning in my brain remembering every second how little I have and how no houses will be coming my way.
Should I have worked harder and tried to find a different life?
Should I have flirted more and wore low cut shirts and tried to be a fancy rich wife?
Would it be better to have relied on a man
And never learned to take my own stand.
I should have never traveled across the world on my own, perhaps I should have never taken a student loan.
Occasionally I feel like what’s the point, what’s the deal?
I should have been a dumb girl and learned how to steal.
Where has being kind and always giving it my all
Gotten me except into a little ball?
Why always volunteer, why always be nice,
I am further behind than most assholes twice.
“Everything is a hammer to a sensitive soul”
I always have a very difficult time dealing with the changing of the seasons. It makes me very pensive and thoughtful, makes me feel like I need to evaluate my decisions from over the summer, the fall, the winter, whatever and usually it ends with me feeling upset about decisions I did or did not make properly.
I judge myself too harshly and I always have. I see failures and compare myself with every person who runs by, wondering why I have never taken to running.
I am trying to get back to my self care option and to being a person who feels better and stronger.
Slowly and releasing negativity.
My mother collects my conformities like tokens.
She puts them in her purse to tell her friends about later.
Things like how I finally got a real boyfriend,
or that I bought a pair of dress pants from a real store.
I used to wish she cared more about my non-conformities,
could take pride in my ability to shop
like the queen of second hand clothing
and my ability to be so independent, taking apart the pipes under the bathroom sink alone.
But then I am just happy we are getting along.
Upon reflection of confrontation, I realize it makes me want to run and hide, behind a curtain of my own paralyzing self-doubt.
Not wanting to be too loud or unladylike, makes me question the feminist mindset of my mother’s generation and what percentage it ran at.
Although I suppose it was harder to gain resources in the early 1980’s, more straight lines, less Internet blog think pieces.
Nowhere to get your news but the local paper, which once ran a piece on my three legged dog, and last month’s issue of Reader’s Digest passed down from a neighbourhood friend.
I think about my family’s brains often, the way the wheels turn and the strange things that make them upset. I suppose my own brain possess the almost parallel desire to be unreasonably unobtrusive.
The amount of times I wrote opinion pieces to both the local paper and Reader’s Digest seem unreasonable as well.
I suppose I am much bolder on paper.
Ugly polyester blouses and generic black pants, a bit too much shadow around the eye.
Some silently judging or others not so silently, clicking their tongues in disapproval.
Wishing to be back as the queens of their own classrooms, if they are not going to learn anything they agree with.
Each day is a day you can change.
They say. The memes, the Twitter re-tweeters, the fashion and fitness magazines. The painting with the quote on top.
Change is difficult when most change requires money, or as I think about it, almost all things require money. Real change means to the masses new clothes and a gym membership. A trip to find yourself. A new degree.
I want to change and I am not happy.
I feel like I am drowning in a puddle of despair but I can’t tell anyone that because their happiness is sparking and no one wants to hear about the bad. It might drown the sparkle..
I might just need a good nights sleep and tomorrow will look better.
But for now? Now I am pushing my nails in my wrists to leave marks to remind me that I am real.
May I present the list of Damn I am CrazyforCanLit and People are Crazy
1. Thirteen Shells
3. Still Mine
4. True Arab Love
5. The Most Heartless Town in Canada
6. We’re All in this Together
7. I am What I am Because of What you are
8. Bad Things Happen
10. This Will be My Ruin
Read them and weep, people be creeps! Ha.