I have trouble looking around the bend, too far in the future.
I have never been one that knows which bump is coming next, or even what bump I wish was on the path.
I don’t know what I want.
I am empty. I said it.
I don’t make goal boards, or lists of things to do beyond next week.
Because I have never been sure. I have never known deep down what it is I am looking for.
But I move along,
and mostly I am modestly happy.
I feel pressure weighing down on me from others, and sometimes myself. about what it is I want.
People want charts and graphs, explaining the path of my life to them.
But I’ve never known, one thing one way or another. I feel like I am a ball, bouncing between walls and being content where I fall.
I fall and I think about where my next bounce will be.
I am 32 years old, and those around me are changing their paths with children and houses, cars and marriages, savings and vacation packages.
I forgot I was supposed to make a decision, I am appalled that time has crept about to me like this, I feel physically trapped under a couch, heavy and suffocating. Overwhelmed with decisions, and how can you be sure?
I have never known anything for sure.
Except perhaps my unabridged love for dogs and hamburgers.
But where does this leave me?