Would it be better if I pretended?

When I was younger, I craved male attention. So when I got it, I would take it. I would do whatever I could to keep it.

Now, now, now, don’t jump to conclusions, I was young! Oh, but I loved to flirt. And if you wrote me a note, I would write back, and if you called me I would answer. I would probably even go on 5 dates with you before I really expressed my true feelings (that I didn’t like you).

Even in university, I did a lot of unwantedflirting. I suppose I just felt any attention was good attention.

Also I really didn’t like, (don’t like) hurting people’s feelings. I am an unfairly sensitive soul.

So let’s fast forward to 2012 Laurie. She is still bad at letting people who like her, who she doesn’t like, down easily. This comes from a lot of bad conditioning, or as Jim Byrson says, “I was raised all wrong.”

I am single. My mother and grandmother think I am “too picky”. So if that was the case, I shouldn’t be turning anyone done. I often think about loves gone past, if maybe I turned the wrong one down? If perhaps I let the right one go?

Either way, today, I struggle. I struggle with letting people down. Especially those who are not easily let go.

Four unanswered phone calls, 3 ignored texts, and a drop by later, I hope someone gets the hint. But god damn it. I hate saying those words out loud.

I don’t like you that way.

I am not ready for a relationship.

I’m better off alone.

I think it’s all blah, blah, blah.

Because let’s face it, we are all just waiting for someone, who clicks. Someone who seems worth all that extra effort.

And I am just hoping, that someday, I won’t feel so guilty, for all those fish I let back into the sea.

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One thought on “Would it be better if I pretended?

  1. Don’t worry Laurie! As cliché as it might sound, everything happens for a reason. Your fish it out there & will come to you when the time is right : )
    Have a great day!

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