My brother called me and I have had a kind of morning where I am fighting my blues and my guilt. His voice soothes me a bit. My dog looks away first when we have a starring contest. I’ve been having the kind of morning where I feel sorry for myself and wish things like vacations to warm places and shopping for black boots, when instead I have a head cold and no money.
I wish someone was making me Valentine’s Day Pie. I made fun of my brother, the chef, laughing out loud doing so, but I’m slightly jealous of all of my brother’s girlfriends especially when they are getting a pie. Today is a day rot with over thinking, staring at a dead bush out of the sun room window for 10 minutes as it slighty sways not moving much. Over thinking is bad for a brain like mine, and I try not to let it get away from me. My new trick is if I can’t solve anything by worrying about it, then it’s not worth thinking about and to enjoy the moment I have. This is hard. My brain is struggling against itself in a battle of anxiety vs self-awareness. For the first time in my life, I am very self-aware. I can step outside myself see a little bit of the corner of my eye who I am and recognize I might not really be who I have always tried to be. Saying things out loud that once would have shamed me.
I’ve always wanted attention. But I am not sure why. I’ve always been uncomfortable doing it and forced myself to do things. Because I’ve been playing a part. It’s hard not to be noticed when you are so tall and loud. The girls from working were saying at lunch, how loud I am, how everyone can hear my lessons always, but I knew that right?
I knew that.
I have been looking into the mirror.
And I’m slightly drowning.