February is the month that people get the most in a funk right? Is it the hardest month of the year? I want it to be the hardest month of the year. If I think that it might be, then it makes everything else seem a lot more doable. It makes everything else seem like it is all possible.
I have been doing better than normal. I think. That’s the thing, sometimes I really am not sure if I am doing better or not. Everything gets all wavy, and sort of runs together. I can remember there being worse times, and times often seem hard, but then you come out of them. It’s like I was discussing today in my “women’s conversation class”, asking them how they could possibly have given birth. How they ever could endure such pain (I was fresh off the memory of watching a teenage girl give birth on TV and look like she was dying). One of my Saudi Arabian women told me, “Oh, but a moment later, as soon as the baby opens his mouth, you forget all about it. You forget that anything ever bothered you much at all.” At the time I thought she was crazy. For a moment I said to myself, all mothers say that, all mothers think that a baby is worth the pain, I would never feel that way.
But then I thought about it for later, and I realized she might be right. They all might be right. If I think about it, there have been moments in my past where I felt like I was about to die, where it seemed like I could not go on,like I couldn’t breathe, like it all hurt so bad, like my heart was literally breaking, like I was such a mess. And then looking back today, I am alright. I am alive, I am here, and actually I feel okay.
So that’s the thing. Everything really is at the moment. And I suppose that is one of the things I have to learn.