Lost Cause

Yesterday I was restless and angry, which I thought was a better feeling than being so sad.

But my dreams and my brain were always a bit of a team against me, and they came through with full force last night. I dreamt I was in the Bahamas, and I was singing with his MOTHER. With his mother. Who I liked. Who I looked forward to seeing in February.

That’s the sadness today, I feel like I have nothing to look forward to. I was looking forward to Christmas with him, I was looking forward to vacation in February. We already had the tickets booked. And now I feel like I have nothing to look forward to.

The days sort of all seem to stick together and hold each other, and none are any brighter than the others.

I feel lazy, and lost.

I am trying to believe this is like a grieving process, and some days will be good, and some bad, and it will take time.

Time, is the saddest thing of all.

There is just so much of it.

And before you tell me that some of my best days are in front of me, I know it.

I just wish they would hurry up.

I’ve always been impatient.

 

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